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Confusion [20 Sep 2009|10:37pm] It's starting to hurt...And I hate it. It's nothing I can talk about with anyone. It's nothing that I can say. To do so would just make it worse. I have so many happy things around me. My beloved job. My beloved friends and family. My beloved media escapes. I hate it when this sneaks up on me. I should be far too busy for that. But even now with 15 hours of school a week, 15 hours of interning a week, 6 hours of training a week, Voice acting increasing in hours by the week, executive producer duties, and film duties.... I dont think I can be any busier...And yet this STLL insists on creeping into my head. I dont like how I feel inside when this happens and I dont like how I behave outwardly when it happens. I hate being so lost and confused and not wanting to tell anyone about it. I guess because I feel that if I did, it would just cause a whole other array of problems. Which it would, and I dont have the strength or the heart to deal with it. I want to be as happy as I possibly can be, but I have something plaguing me that will never allow that to happen unless I continue to find distractions to replace it. I'm even afraid of going into too much detail here. For fear that the curiosity caused by it will blow up in my face. I have no right to feel sad with all of the blessings having been afforded to me in life already. I have no right to ask anything else of this world. I have no right to allow this pain to cripple me the way it does when I am left alone to think about it for too long. Or when what triggers it is present. I'll get over it, I suppose. After all, its really all I can do.   read 1 cmt

Just keep swimming.. [02 Jun 2009|03:22am] [ mood | sad ] So, I've come to the realization that my constant failure in love is the price and the trade-off for my hopefully long-term successes in life. It's impossible to have it all, I guess...So I'll just have to make do with that and go on and accept it to the best of my ability. I suppose I could have it all..It's not impossible...But what it boils down to is this: I'm too scared to take that step. I've been alone in that way for so very long...All of my life. I don't really know anything else. Nothing I count at least. Nothing real and true. I know that I'm safe if I am in control...And if someone else becomes that involved in my life, I think a part of me fears loosing that control and that safety. I'm so used to being alone inside my head on the deepest of levels, that I don't think I know how to let someone else in...At least in this sense. I can't just give myself over to someone and trust them completely and totally. The thought absolutely terrifies me...I've been mislead and hurt too many times to be able to do it. I'm tired of people telling me what they think I need. I'm tired of people asking me if "there's a man in my life" and then reacting to my "no" by looking at me with that pitying and confused look. I tell them it's because I'm too busy; to give them an excuse so that they won't think about the real answer. It's true, I am busy. Very busy...But in the end, that really doesn't matter and shouldn't really have a say in anything. I am absolutely terrified of guys to my very core when it comes to things like these. I've joked to people before that maybe I was meant to like girls since I'm so awkward and stupid with boys. I just...Don't feel like I can trust the male race very much. Not the ones that I encounter at least aside from family. What spurred this is...That boy that I mentioned in an earlier post...well, he's with someone else now. A part of me is relieved. Relieved that I dont have to worry or be afraid anymore. Relieved that he found someone worth his time and energy...But at the same time, I'm resentful. Resentful because I found out through a stupid myspace status. Resentful because he was probably going out on dates with her the same time he was talking to me and asking me to go places. Resentful because he told me he was what I needed; someone who could work with my busy schedule. Someone who thought I was interesting, beautiful, funny, smart and above all worth waiting for. He told me that...Every time I apologized for being so busy...He told me that "great things were worth waiting for." Obviously, I wasn't great enough in the end. Resentful because he IMed me asking me for my phone number again because his phone died and he lost it....Only then to add to it by commenting on one of my photos, telling me how beautiful I am....Resentful because I'm allowing myself to feel this way... In the end, it was my fault. For just hanging in there. For being afraid. For thinking maybe, just maybe that he was the person who would lead me and fight for me...But instead, in my head, placing too much responsibility on him because I can't grow a freaking spine when it comes to this type of thing. In the end, I suppose this is better...Because I was having doubts...I knew it wasn't right to want to base a relationship off of trying to allow him to make me feel special and good about myself. I'm traditional...He is not...And could not seem to understand that. That would have ended very badly. There's all these justifications for why I shouldn't be sad on any level...But I still am. The flip-side points help to mellow me out a bit...But in the end it still boils down to this: I simply wasn't good enough....I wasn't brave enough or strong enough... So now, once again, I'm left feeling empty and confused and pathetic. read 1 cmt

Stuff [17 Apr 2009|03:45pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Fort Knox by {Goldfish} ] Man, this is turning into a place where all I write about is depressing things...Good news is that I want to start a new LJ account and I will be putting my Voice Acting journey on it. I've been recording it on myspace, but I'd like a lesser known place to put it as well. Been recording for my first principle role and it's been tough, but its my dream...and I'm finally living it out. I've finally gotten to where I need to be...I've finally retained my other dream as well: Film Acting, better yet, I'm the star....Even better I was also asked to be the Executive Producer of the film because everyone liked my ideas for PR. So, I'm simultaneously living out dreams...I'm a voice actress, an indie movie star, an executive poducer.... And I have no right to be sad about anything...Absolutely no freaking right. I've come to learn that living out dreams comes at a price. I don't get to see people very often, at least not outside of my work. It's been hard, and this is the first time that I've said anything about it. When I do get to see people though, I love it so much..But it brings me to something else... I've been seeing someone... Only when I can, which isn't often...But It's all very new to me...We've been on only 2 "dates" I guess one should call them...Once to a cafe and the other to a movie...Are those dates? I guess they are...I'm not used to any of it...And aside from my mother, this is the only other place that knows about it...I'm scared to tell my friends. Scared because I don't want to be bombarded with questions and be put in a spotlight that I have no interest in being in. I know they would just be excited because I've never done this before...But I don't want it...Me and this person are just friends anyways...I told him that's how I wanted to begin and that we would go from there. I'm afraid...I want to be in a relationship, but the more I think about it, the more I start to feel like I don't want it to be with him...Not because of anything he has done, really...Just because the thought of it doesn't feel right. I'm afraid that it's just nerves making me feel that way and that if I say no, this will never happen again...But I don't want to lead him on or hurt his feelings or his heart...I've tried to be so careful. But now I feel trapped...I told him I thought I was interested in him...It was bold, I never expected myself to say something like that...But these past few weeks, I;ve been feeling like I shouldn't have said it...I'm also too busy for this too, and it's not fair to either of us. I've begun to realize just how frightened I am... If I get into a relationship, then what does that mean... It means that eventually, He (whoever it may be--Generally speaking) will want something from me...Something that I can't give. I don't want to have sex...I say I am saving myself for marriage...But at the rate my life has been going at...I'm not sure if I ever want to even get married. I wouldn't have time for it! What man is going to want to be with me then? A girl who doesn't want sex, children, or marriage. I must be a ruined individual in the world's eyes. How dare I want to be loved, yet not be willing to pay the piper... What a horrible way to look at it all. What a horrible way to feel...But it's there and I'm not sure when it planted itself into my head. I know that what I truly want, I can never have. Thankfully I have my other dreams to keep me occupied and happy in the meantime...But this will all continue to be a splinter in my head. This sucks....   read 1 cmt

Yeah... [25 Jan 2009|07:41pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | Love is Dead {Kerli} ] I don't write here a lot that much anymore...Not sure why I feel the need to come here today to get something out...Maybe its because its a place I can write where I'm in no danger of being ridiculed, questioned, or suspected of some kind of wrong doing. I'm so confused. Just when I think I'm doing better, something else happens to set me back. I'm so exhausted in my body and in my heart. I'm so tired of trying so hard to be the optimistic  rock that I need to be for others right now. I still need to grieve on my own time...But I can't. Its building up again and soon it will explode once more. I feel like I need to constantly hide even more than before because it's not about me...And I'm tired of worrying my family and my other friends. I'm tired of feeling selfish but I'm tired of smiling day in and day out and pretending like everything is going to be ok Because at this rate, this situation will never be alright. Even if I'm on good terms with her and she still claims to love and care for me...It will never be the same and I feel trapped in the middle of this whirlwind of emotions and lies and deceit going on around me. I say that I'm at the "numb stage." It's true and it isn't. It's true that I'm currently unable to cry, but not because I don't feel anything. Its because I feel too much and my body is rejecting it. I'm just...Tired. I'm tired of lieing to myself and pretending that one day one of my best friends is going to come back and everything is just going to be like it was...Because there's absolutely no way that every little thing could be like it was. I'm tired of people coming into my life, people that I grow to care so deeply about, and then something, whatever it may be, takes them away.... I don't like goodbyes...I don't want them...I hate them... I want more hellos. I'm tired of being told about God and being told that he brings people into our lives to guide us in some way or to teach us some kind of a life lesson and then when we find our destination, or when that lesson is learned, that He's free to just take them away from us...I'm tired of it...Even if the goodbye itself is the lesson...It's wrong. And God seems to trust me way too much. Or is THIS the test...To choose who to believe, what words to take to heart, and what actions to condemn or praise? Slowly but surely, everything on that side of my life is falling apart...I don't even really know everyone else very well at all...But I've been "adopted" into this family...I'm honored and happy that they have taken to me like that....But at the same time...I feel trapped by what goes on between everyone regarding my friend...Our friend... There's that word again, trapped. I feel like in the end, I'm supposed to choose...In the end there will be some kind of choice...Some kind of monumental choice... And I'm frightened... So what am I supposed to do? Its become a situation where if I take one false step, someone will go to her and lie and make her hate me...ITs already happened with one person...Its like there's this secret, underground, filthy disgusting competition for her attention, and so people are beginning to back-stab one another and go to her and tell her lies so that she'll hate that person... Most of these people may not be close to me, nor me to them...But I'm involved...And if she came to hate me...Especially on a false charge... Or are these things happening because of my constant problem of not being able to let things go in my heart? Has God made one of my good friends into some kind of cruel plot device so that I can finally learn how to let go? ...I don't want to believe that... But already everything feels so sickeningly surreal...I find myself looking at pictures of she and I just to prove to myself that we really were...are good friends...Brother and sister....And its only been a week. That frightens me even more. What will a month feel like? A year? I'm so confused...I'm scared. I want to move on, but I dont want to let go...I want to climb, but I'm afraid I will fall....I don't want to loose my friend... I don't know what to do anymore...       read 1 cmt

Summer is winding down [21 Aug 2008|02:24pm] [ mood | peaceful ] Well, I haven't posted here in a really long time, that's probably a good thing. I start school in less than a week and UNT, and while I'm nervous about it, I really have had a great summer. Sure there were a couple of down moments, and I seemed to have a bit more stomach trouble than I would have liked...But it really was a great summer. I set out to keep myself super busy and to see all of my friends and I did that. I made up for the year that I was away and it felt so good. I saw my two best out of state friends and got to spend a long time with both of them, I got to see my extended family, I got a new puppy, planned an epic birthday party that I was really proud of, got a voice acting gig, got my name out there, got into the Japanese class at UNT, made new friends, and now have a plethora of new memories with the friends that I already had.  I loved this summer...Truly loved it. It was a blessing. I talked a lot with people, talks that were long overdue. I did a lot of good writing, maybe not as much studying as I should have been doing, but I'll make up for it in the next few days. Thank you God, for this summer. I'll try my best in the upcoming school year. read 2 cmt

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